Series 3: Marooned
"I just made an innocuous comment. I merely voiced the rumour that McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead."
"Because you see Lister, believe it or not, he told me that, in a previous incarnation, I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch."
"Maybe it's tot, I don't know. But to this day, I can't look at a pair of nutcrackers without wincing."
"The distress call - I wonder why it's May Day? It's only a bank holiday. Why not Shrove Tuesday or Assension Sunday? Assension Sunday! Assension Sunday! Fifteenth Wednesday after Pentecost! Fifteenth Wednesday after Pentecost!"
"Well, it was so long ago, Lister. I was so young and sexually prococious, I'm not sure that I can remember."
"Twelve? Twelve years old. You lost your virginity when you were twelve? Twelve? You can't have been a full member of the golf club, then."
"I hope you raked the sand back nicely before you left. That would be a hell of a lie to get into, wouldn't it? Competition the next day: your ball lands in Lister's buttock crevice. You'd need more than a niblick to get that one out!"
"Big? It's like two badly parked Volkswagons."
"We are going to do to Lister what Alexander the Great once did to me."