Series 2: Queeg
"You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican."
"Well, if it's not serious when your genitals can go wandering off on their own, I don't know what is!"
"You are a total, total... a word has yet to be invented to describe how totally whatever it is you are. But you are one. And a total, total one at that."
"Lister, there's no point feeling sorry about Holly. It's a kindness. He's like a blind, old, incontinent sheep dog who's had his day. Take him out to the barn with a double-barrelled shotgun and blow the mother away. And I'm only saying that because I'm so fond of him."
"Ah yes. Now, once again, Holly - bless his little interface leads - and I had this little understanding..."